Everything just hit me

My aunt is dead.
My one true love has gotten completely over me.
I live in a horrible place to try and be happy.

I mean, pinetop lakeside/show low...its miserable here, and everyone I knew has realized that and moved on.
Im stuck.
Vanessa has gotten over me, yet here I am bellowing about her still and balling my eyes out. How the hell did she do it?
My aunt nikki, one of the closest relatives I knew passed away...
Wtf life?
I can not stop shaking, or crying.
Call me a baby, call me a pussy, call me whatever you want.
But this is pain to me ok.
It may not be as strong a pain you feel, or I may not be as strong as you are.
But in my standards, this is pain.

My heart hurts from heatbreak.
Eyes hurt from crying so much.
Head hurts from thinking about too many things.
Body hurts from lack of sleep.

I dont know why this has started happening, but my planets are definitely not aligned what-so-ever blogger.
They are off. Skewed even.
and I dont know why I am even trying to get this feeling of dread away.
The more I try, the worse it gets, the more terrible I feel.
My life...is just turning into a terrible track record of horrible accidents.
No...this isn't an emo becoming of me.
This is me venting. Because I hurt inside and the only way I find myself thinking better is when I tell the internet about it...thousands...no millions of random people who don't know me could accidentally see this and start laughing because of it.
But you know what...I want them to.
I don't care who sees this, because its my way of venting without feeling dreadful or terrified.
So judge, comment, message.
I dont care, I've lost all hope in life, and hope you find some in yours.
Because I have become bitter, and feel its more just for you to have happiness.
I will be a shell, absorbing whatever emotion is needed for the time, but in reality, im not feeling much of anything inside anymore.

A little update from my life

So I decide to do this is one way, I will drop the happy news before the sad news, just to get that monkey off your back of how the job thing went.
Well I didnt get fired, only written up because the DM (district manager gavin) loves me.
Other SGA's would have gotten fired over the thing that happened, but since he liked me, he didnt want me getting fired. Sweet right?
(Hold the yays and applause cause here comes the depressed shit)

So Vanessa practically told me I have absolutely no more chances with her which made me slightly depressed because...well I love her, truly I do, and I would do anything to have her see how serious I am about wanting to be with her.
Her boyfriend, who drinks with her and smokes, has given her a promise ring.
Even typing that sent my heart down to my stomach, and I feel as though I have been stabbed repetitively.
It sucks honestly blogger.
It really does, and I know it seems like, "Oh brenden, its just drama bull shit. Don't worry, your just too young anyways and feeling sorry for yourself."
No, this I know, is me in love.
I have never been this hung up over someone in my life.
Its been 5 months...5 months of me thinking about her, wanting her back, needing her.
So this is it...Brenden can no longer really be happy since he was denied by the person he loves.
It really hurts...a lot.
Say what you want, but I know what I feel, that is why I am me, and you are not me.

So here is where I try to solve my problems, this is my new list of things I need to change about myself:
I will check them off once completed, and If I can not complete this, I dont know what I will do.
[ ] Try not getting so attached to who ever I get involved with.
[ ] Keep a safe distance between the person, and my feelings.
[ ] Stronger emotions, and less sadness.
[ ] Don't force anything, let it come.
[ ] Be careful of who I go for.
[ ] Don't ever think about anyone else's emotions before mine.
[ ] Put me before anyone else.
[ ] Get some self respect.
[ ] Grow a spine.
[ ] Figure out my life*
[ ] Get over Vanessa...once and for all*
[ ] Create a sort of mental nirvana for myself to escape to whenever things get too out of hand.
[ ] Meditate on a regular schedule.

* means the harder challenges for me.

I dont know...maybe or maybe not, I can do this...who knows.
Currently my mind is clouded by her still...maybe I can meditate it off or something.
Well thats all for me tonight.
Goodnight Passerby and blogger.
This is all for science.

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

No one really knows how true Colin Haye's songs are...
Its a terrible inconvenience for me.
I know its been a horribly long time since the last time I blogged, and I am truly sorry that the first one in a long time is gonna be a depression rant, it's all I have right now. (Litterally)
I don't know what I did to deserve what is going on, so I will fill you in and maybe you will get some ideas for me to share or something.
So here it goes:
Last week, I had a dream that I saw my ex Vanessa and we started living together again. For those of you who do not know who this is, she is my ex that drank a lot, and I finally was able to get her to stop, but for some ungodly reason, I broke up with her.
Dumbest mistake i've ever made.
So her and I were living together as a family, happy. And I woke up from this dream to a text from her saying we should hang out.
My heart jumped with joy, so I said yeah but it would have to be next tuesday (this weeks tuesday) and we planned it out.
I got it all in my head that I could get her back, and that was my first mistake.
As I get there I see how beautiful she is, but Christie texts me saying she has a boyfriend...my heart dropped from the top of my chest, to my stomach.
Her boyfriend is this guy who drags her to parties and gets her to drink and smoke weed with him. And so I think to myself...well thats just not fair.
I was good for her, I was good to her, I was happy with her.
So I talked to her seeing if I could possibly have another chance with her and she said she would think about it, so I got hopeful (second mistake) and happy.
I waited till Thursday, where that night she said "Lets just stay friends because I am still with my boyfriend."
So I asked her what I could do to make her see how serious I was about this and she said, "You messed up too bad, its just not going to happen, you hurt me a lot brenden."
The shit didn't stop hitting the fan, that next morning, there was a discrepancy at Gamestop where we lost a wii system.
The finger of blame was pointed on me because i forgot to catch it.
I get a call from my manager yesterday saying Brenden, I don't know how Gavin (our District Manager) will take this, so brace yourself.
So Im worried what will happen when I go into work today.
Im freaking out because this is the one job I have had where I love going into work every day, and its the one thing that is keeping me alive here.
If I lose it, its goodbye Pinetop, and hello Albuquerque.
Everyone I know, gone.
Everyone I've met, gone.
Brenden, gone.
So I am trying to fix this all because I want to stay here and get money to move to portland, and I don't know if I can do that at Albuquerque...I am just having a meltdown, and probably shouldnt even be worrying, however, I will let everyone know what happens when it happens.
Thanks for reading my rant of depression, and I hope you can find anything in here that may hint at why I am getting this stuff happening to me...
till next time everyone, for science.

Good evening, Dear reader.

Life....has never been better for me. (with the exception of one or two things which will be covered later in the post)
I mean, who else can say they work at GameStop in pinetop/showlow?
Well....granted it is in pinetop/showlow.....hmmm....never mind.
Still, Gamestop! Me? Working there, I mean holy crap, its the perfect job for me if you know me. (Bit o' a video game nerd...ok so a huge video game nerd)
So yeah, its awesome, plus I've been pulling 40 hour/week!
Talk about awesome paycheck=D
Now the perfect job will let me get my effing piercings back, but that can wait for a while, at least I get tattoos and whatnot at gamestop, which is shweeet!

On to the next order of business;
The two things that I find a bit troubling in my life...sad to admit, one of them is my celibacy.
The reason I am sad about this isn't because it's broken (more or less the opposite) I want it broken.
I want a girlfriend, and it is so hard to find a decent one, it is just aggravating because I don't want to be alone anymore...god I sound stupid saying that.
I don't know, just over the past few weeks I've been really thinking, "Hey...you know what would be awesome right now? Someone to sleep next to...or even just someone to talk to and tell them I care about them..."
And I have this empty feeling about it...everytime I think about it, I just really want to find someone, hmmm well thats just it for that part.

Second is the fact that I really want to be out on my own, not living with my sister.
Nothing against her, I just really want to try to live by myself and see how that could go, you know?
I'm just really nervous because what if I can't do that by myself? What if I am too dependent on others?
I don't want to have to live with someone for the rest of my life unless it's my wife, and I want her to depend on me, not vice versa.
I want to be strong willed and strong hearted, but I feel weak at the thought of being alone.
I want the money and the financial stability that I have been given since I was born till I was 19.
It's terrible to think about this because its stressing me out so much.
For god sakes, I feel like I am about to get shingles again...ugh.

Life is hard blogger/passerby, it always will be.
So why can't I get it through my head that no matter what happens, it will be hard, but I will always have a safety plan with my family.
I will always have someone to fall back on.
Someone to go to.
Someone to live with.
But thats just it, I don't want to live with my family forever, I want to live with a family I started.
A family with someone I connect with on much deeper levels than anyone could imagine.
I want a family like my family.
But life is hard, and I need to wait until I find that perfect girl.
Wherever she is.
And find that perfect balance of life.
Wherever that is.
And I need to find all of this on my own, no help besides words of encouragement from my family and my friends.

Well thats about that for now, Im tired, going into work at 10 tomorrow (wooo!) and buying a PS3 soon, and I am excited for that=D
So farewell, please don't be distraught by my troubling times, It's just me venting.
Goodnight all, and remember, if it's not for you, it's FOR SCIENCE!!!!

Linkin Park

It has come to my attention that Linkin Park has been getting a lot of bad press from people.
Now this is not a "I'm defending Linkin Park as a fanboy and all you have to say is false if it's bad about them!" post.
This is a post about my own personal views and opinions on Linkin Park, for I have been listening to them ever since Meteora and Hybrid Theory.

Now I don't know how many people out there listened to Linkin Park's first few albums, but they are fantastic as far as Rock goes.
Chester Bennington has one of the best voices I have ever listened to, and his screaming is phenomenal.
Mike Shinoda is one of the greatest rapper/singer types out there (...and is he chinese? Japanese? What the crap is he?)
Everyone in the band has this amazing talent to them ever since the first album, and who honestly doesn't know all of the lyrics to "In The End", that was a strong radio song, but hey, still great to this day.
So with Meteora, they busted that one out, and a lot more people bought those songs, including myself.
Great songs on the album as well as Hybrid Theory, and again, as far as Rock goes, they are fantastic.

However, the thing is, once Minutes to Midnight came out, people were horribly disgusted with what they produced.
I liked Minutes to Midnight, no matter how "Emo" people called it.
Yes it had some depressing-like songs, but all in all, it was great.
The way the music was coordinated and the lyrics were beautiful in my opinion.

Jump when they tell you that they wanna see Jumpin'

Fuck that I wanna see some fist pumpin'

Risk somethin, take back whats yours

Say somethin that you know they might attack you for. 

Thats just me though, love the lyrics.
So people see this album as "Linkin Parks downfall" just because it's a little bit less rock than their last ablum?
I may be exaggerating with the downfall part, but again, just opinions.

Fast forward a bit now to this year, in comes  A Thousand Suns, newest album, and great sound.
However, yet again, people are saying that this album is "shit" compared to other albums.
Why compare the seperate albums? I mean yeah, it's different then the last albums...but it is supposed to be.

I guess you can't ever win when your in a band producing albums.
You'll have one "amazing first platinum album" and then maybe a second one.
But here is the real kicker, on your next albums, people could say things like, "Oh this doesn't sound anything like their first album."
So you go back to the same sound as your first album and people start saying, "They are so not being original, this is just the same crap from the first album!"
So then you try one final attempt, change your sound again, and then the people start with yelling, "SELLOUTS!"
There is pretty much the only solution, and either way you lose, you will never have anything as good as the first albums because people don't like hearing new things or old things, they pretty much wont be satisfied at all with your work, no matter how much heart you put into it.
God damn internet jading everyone.

Well thats it for right now, so until then, listen, love, and FOR SCIENCE!!

I've backed myself between a hard place and a pillow!

You're probably asking yourself what this means.
You know the saying, "In between a rock and a hard place," well that just means that you're stuck between two really bad scenarios.
Seeing as how I feel quite optimistic today, I see myself as being faced with two different scenarios, a good one, and a bad one. Which one do you think I'm gonna choose?
The good scenario is already being fulfilled at the moment, I'm leaving Walmart (just had my "sort of" last day today, and I am now away from that horrible terrible job of doom!) and going to GameStop, which is (for all I know) progressively better than Walmart.
However the bad thing is, I am dropping from 9 dollars an hour to....*deep breath* 7.50....sad I know.
But it will be so much better when I show them how awesome of an employee I am, and I will get a raise before I know it=D

On to other news!
It is the night before Halloween, Saturday, and I am doing nothing except for sitting at my house...blogging....about how I am just sitting at my house on a Saturday night! How excruciatingly exciting right?!
Oh did I also mention that last night I went and saw Paranormal Activity 2 with my best friend Kaitlin?!
I didn't tell you....thats weird, cause I made a mental note to tell you guys that I saw it....have you ever had one of those moments where you were gonna tell someone about something, but you never got around to it, but you thought you already told them thus causing a sort of fake deja vu?
Well anyways, back to my original story, last night, my dearest best friend Kaitlin came into town and we decided to have an awesome friend date! Filled with ridiculously creamy french vanilla hot chocolate latte stuff and Paranormal Activity 2 (bad idea if anyone remembers how scared I was of the first one) (I thought it was real)
So we get ourselves some awesome (not really) coffee from maverick, and it was the creamiest coffee ever! I mean holy crap!
Then we I start to call up the theater to see times for "Let Me In" (the remake of an amazing russain movie "let me in") but they kept giving me the wrong times! So frustrating haha.
We then drive to the theater only to decide to go see...dun dun duhhhh!!! PA 2!
It starts at 9 45, and its only about 9 by now, so off to the house to converse with my roomates!
That was pretty fun, Nester and LoLo were playing Sims 3 and I was watching them and we were all laughing and joking and what have you.
Then 9 45 came around, movie time!
We get into the theater to see the last of the Saw 3D trailer (another movie I must see) and the movie starts.
*Ahem* let me say this to you all, the first paranormal activity, I thought was real events, and it scared me to death...I couldn't sleep for literally 3 days...it was bad haha.
So we are watching the movie and by the end, I think both of us were shaking, and I was backed up all the way on my seat with my knees up to my face..so bad haha.
I then drive Kaitlin back to her car, and we say our goodbyes.

Off to the house!
Where...everyone is drunk haha.
I come in the house, Ness and Brit are on the computers, and Logan and Sam (Brit's friend) playing magic.
Logan looks up and before I could utter a "H-" Logan screams "SHOTS!"
Haha, great great way to be welcomed in to my house.
So what do I do....haha shots.
Only a couple inside a drink, and I didn't get that wasted, just a wee bit buzzed.
Logan and I started playing Counter Strike drunk, and wow...just....wow.
Once all of this was done, my computer yet again crashes with the "HyperTransport flood sync error" ugh...(Im about to punch baby orphan puppies with kittens, thats how angry I was haha)
So after all of this we conclude, New motherboard! We are gonna test it out with this...hopefully it will work.

I don't really have much else to blog about other than all of that, so sorry for the shorter blog, but I really am stumped haha.
So goodnight all passerbys and bloggers, and untill next time remember:
FOR SCIENCE!!!!!

Be Warned, this is a straight Rant from Your's truly.

(There may be funny parts in this, but all around, this is a serious...ok, semi-serious blog about somethings that have been on my mind.)
Dear Lesbian Feminist Lady at Walmart,
I'm sorry to use such a derogatory label for you, but since I do not know what your actual name is, and since you referred to me as a "man bitch" I am forced to give you what you deserve by being as shallow minded as you were to me without even knowing who I am. I am sorry to be such a hypocrite, but you have no common decency to see what my name was on my NAME TAG that is located right in front of your retinas.
I realize that you went lesbian for a reason, whether or not the reason was because a man hurt your, or you just never really liked men is not my business, but realize one thing, not all men are the same, and you shouldn't be so quick to judge someone just by their genitalia, I sure didn't judge you when you crashed into walmart with your giant "Hulk Holgan-Esque" stature, and your "all men are idiots" mind set. In fact, my first thought was, "How can I help this lady out today to make sure she leaves happy?" But no, you didn't let me help, instead you said "Hey man bitch, stop your bull-shittin' and fetch me another wagon."
First off...fetch you? Fetch you?!
Who says that, I am not a dog, in fact, I walk on two feet, have imposable thumbs, and can utter phrases such as, "Sure, I would love to get you your cart you Hogan bitch."
Second, I was not "bull-shittin," I was actually talking to my MANAGER about my last hours of work, and that I was glad I could be with Walmart for so long.
And lastly, it's called a Cart, not a wagon. Wagons have not been used since the 18th century! I mean...besides Volkswagons, but those are automobiles, something a woman of your physique should be well acquainted with. Again, sorry for being so quick to stereotype you, but you give me no choice.
We are human beings! And yes I may seem like a hypocrite for saying this, but we all need to get along because we are all stuck together on a GIANT FLOATING ROCK IN THE MIDDLE OF SPACE! We are definitely a short living species who jump to way too many conclusions, but thats just the thing, Life is way to short to be angry with one another.
Also, on one last note miss, Without men, you wouldnt have been here. To be fair, without women, men would not be here either, but without the heterosexuals that inhabit parts of our planet who enjoy intercourse and try to conceive babies, you would not have girlfriends, thought I don't see how a girl would want to date you. Not because of your physique because I know a lot of people who like that type of body, but because of your narrow minded shallowness that envelops your soul.

Dear girl who is dating him because she can fix him,
No...you can not fix him. You never will be able to, and once you realize this, you can finally be happy.
People don't fix other people, I know this from experience, people have to fix themselves. Sure you can support the fixing, but don't say you will fix him.
If he (or she) is a cheater, they have to get over that stupid childish act by themselves, you dating them will not help, it will just give them another persons heart to break because they can because you let them. Do you see the vicious circle yet? Here, let me clarify, You date Him because He is troubled, He brings Trouble to You, You take the Trouble He brings because You are trying to Fix Him, which allows Him to keep doing it, making You want to fix Him cause he Hurt You!
Listen to me when I say this, you can have someone better, someone who you deserve and who deserves you, you can't hang yourself back because your trying to fight a lost cause.
Lost causes are good for one thing, dragging you down to their level until you are no more.
Don't try to justify yourself by saying "Im dating him cause I can fix him" when in all reality, your doing it because you love to get hurt, and you hate to be with someone who will treat you right, because you do not know how to handle someone being nice to you.
There is nothing you can do, I promise you. Everyone has their problems, and having people to support them is good, but in the end, THEY NEED TO HELP THEMSELVES!
This is all, just please think about it and the vicious cycle you are in.

Dear girl who wont date him because it will ruin your friendship,
Do not even try to ever justify this, I mean...there is nothing more ridiculous then telling him "No, I treasure our friendship too much, I don't want that ruined."
Tell him, "No, I'm am sorry, but I don't like you in that way." It may hurt like a bitch for him to hear that, but it's better then hearing some widely cliche terrible excuse.
Or here is something that's going to probably blow your mind, be with him and see how compatible you are because you always say you get along so well whenever you hang out.
Do not even say, "Some girl will be lucky to be with you one day." Because you know that is the most used cliche ever.
If "some girl" would be lucky to be with him, then why not you? There can't be some physical condition that prevents you from being with him, some kind of skin irritation that would show up after saying Yes to him asking you out. If there is, then it can't be because of friendship, its probably something very wrong with your skin and you should get it checked out.
You have a short life, live it! Don't date the guys who you know will treat you like shit, because thats all they will ever do. I have been the best friend in many situations, so yes, every night I hear the same thing, "He is such a dick, your so nice for listening to me, I know your always gonna be here for me."
If we are so nice for listening, and your always going to be here for us, and you know that we will always be there for you, give it a shot. What have you got to lose?
Every last relationship, excluding the ones that were...poisonous to me, I am still friends, good friends, with that person. Ask them for yourself and see that maybe, just maybe things will work out between you and him, and even if they don't, you will still be friends, maybe not as good, but give it time and you will grow back to being best friends trust me.

At the end of this, I would like to point out that before I start the conclusion that this may seem hypocritical and I'm very sorry but it is something I have to say.
We are all human, we live on the same giant rock in space, and we all die in the end.
Life is too short to be an aggravated Walmart or just a customer in a store, a person stuck in a horrible circle of poison, or thinking that just because your best friends with someone makes them not able to be a boyfriend or girlfriend to you.
There will always be beauty in everything you do, life is a wondrous thing when you live it, and if you think about it, you are one in a trillion beings who live on a planet that (as far as we know) has the most intelligent and rapidly growing species ever. It is a miracle that you were born here, instead of a tiny speck on an unknown planet, but even if you were that, you would still be helping life along and helping evolution somewhere else.
So smile, laugh, date, and enjoy life.
Do what pleases you, and live for yourself, no one else.
Because in the end, you are where your at because its where you wanted to be.
For Science..