Everything just hit me

My aunt is dead.
My one true love has gotten completely over me.
I live in a horrible place to try and be happy.

I mean, pinetop lakeside/show low...its miserable here, and everyone I knew has realized that and moved on.
Im stuck.
Vanessa has gotten over me, yet here I am bellowing about her still and balling my eyes out. How the hell did she do it?
My aunt nikki, one of the closest relatives I knew passed away...
Wtf life?
I can not stop shaking, or crying.
Call me a baby, call me a pussy, call me whatever you want.
But this is pain to me ok.
It may not be as strong a pain you feel, or I may not be as strong as you are.
But in my standards, this is pain.

My heart hurts from heatbreak.
Eyes hurt from crying so much.
Head hurts from thinking about too many things.
Body hurts from lack of sleep.

I dont know why this has started happening, but my planets are definitely not aligned what-so-ever blogger.
They are off. Skewed even.
and I dont know why I am even trying to get this feeling of dread away.
The more I try, the worse it gets, the more terrible I feel.
My life...is just turning into a terrible track record of horrible accidents.
No...this isn't an emo becoming of me.
This is me venting. Because I hurt inside and the only way I find myself thinking better is when I tell the internet about it...thousands...no millions of random people who don't know me could accidentally see this and start laughing because of it.
But you know what...I want them to.
I don't care who sees this, because its my way of venting without feeling dreadful or terrified.
So judge, comment, message.
I dont care, I've lost all hope in life, and hope you find some in yours.
Because I have become bitter, and feel its more just for you to have happiness.
I will be a shell, absorbing whatever emotion is needed for the time, but in reality, im not feeling much of anything inside anymore.

A little update from my life

So I decide to do this is one way, I will drop the happy news before the sad news, just to get that monkey off your back of how the job thing went.
Well I didnt get fired, only written up because the DM (district manager gavin) loves me.
Other SGA's would have gotten fired over the thing that happened, but since he liked me, he didnt want me getting fired. Sweet right?
(Hold the yays and applause cause here comes the depressed shit)

So Vanessa practically told me I have absolutely no more chances with her which made me slightly depressed because...well I love her, truly I do, and I would do anything to have her see how serious I am about wanting to be with her.
Her boyfriend, who drinks with her and smokes, has given her a promise ring.
Even typing that sent my heart down to my stomach, and I feel as though I have been stabbed repetitively.
It sucks honestly blogger.
It really does, and I know it seems like, "Oh brenden, its just drama bull shit. Don't worry, your just too young anyways and feeling sorry for yourself."
No, this I know, is me in love.
I have never been this hung up over someone in my life.
Its been 5 months...5 months of me thinking about her, wanting her back, needing her.
So this is it...Brenden can no longer really be happy since he was denied by the person he loves.
It really hurts...a lot.
Say what you want, but I know what I feel, that is why I am me, and you are not me.

So here is where I try to solve my problems, this is my new list of things I need to change about myself:
I will check them off once completed, and If I can not complete this, I dont know what I will do.
[ ] Try not getting so attached to who ever I get involved with.
[ ] Keep a safe distance between the person, and my feelings.
[ ] Stronger emotions, and less sadness.
[ ] Don't force anything, let it come.
[ ] Be careful of who I go for.
[ ] Don't ever think about anyone else's emotions before mine.
[ ] Put me before anyone else.
[ ] Get some self respect.
[ ] Grow a spine.
[ ] Figure out my life*
[ ] Get over Vanessa...once and for all*
[ ] Create a sort of mental nirvana for myself to escape to whenever things get too out of hand.
[ ] Meditate on a regular schedule.

* means the harder challenges for me.

I dont know...maybe or maybe not, I can do this...who knows.
Currently my mind is clouded by her still...maybe I can meditate it off or something.
Well thats all for me tonight.
Goodnight Passerby and blogger.
This is all for science.

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

No one really knows how true Colin Haye's songs are...
Its a terrible inconvenience for me.
I know its been a horribly long time since the last time I blogged, and I am truly sorry that the first one in a long time is gonna be a depression rant, it's all I have right now. (Litterally)
I don't know what I did to deserve what is going on, so I will fill you in and maybe you will get some ideas for me to share or something.
So here it goes:
Last week, I had a dream that I saw my ex Vanessa and we started living together again. For those of you who do not know who this is, she is my ex that drank a lot, and I finally was able to get her to stop, but for some ungodly reason, I broke up with her.
Dumbest mistake i've ever made.
So her and I were living together as a family, happy. And I woke up from this dream to a text from her saying we should hang out.
My heart jumped with joy, so I said yeah but it would have to be next tuesday (this weeks tuesday) and we planned it out.
I got it all in my head that I could get her back, and that was my first mistake.
As I get there I see how beautiful she is, but Christie texts me saying she has a boyfriend...my heart dropped from the top of my chest, to my stomach.
Her boyfriend is this guy who drags her to parties and gets her to drink and smoke weed with him. And so I think to myself...well thats just not fair.
I was good for her, I was good to her, I was happy with her.
So I talked to her seeing if I could possibly have another chance with her and she said she would think about it, so I got hopeful (second mistake) and happy.
I waited till Thursday, where that night she said "Lets just stay friends because I am still with my boyfriend."
So I asked her what I could do to make her see how serious I was about this and she said, "You messed up too bad, its just not going to happen, you hurt me a lot brenden."
The shit didn't stop hitting the fan, that next morning, there was a discrepancy at Gamestop where we lost a wii system.
The finger of blame was pointed on me because i forgot to catch it.
I get a call from my manager yesterday saying Brenden, I don't know how Gavin (our District Manager) will take this, so brace yourself.
So Im worried what will happen when I go into work today.
Im freaking out because this is the one job I have had where I love going into work every day, and its the one thing that is keeping me alive here.
If I lose it, its goodbye Pinetop, and hello Albuquerque.
Everyone I know, gone.
Everyone I've met, gone.
Brenden, gone.
So I am trying to fix this all because I want to stay here and get money to move to portland, and I don't know if I can do that at Albuquerque...I am just having a meltdown, and probably shouldnt even be worrying, however, I will let everyone know what happens when it happens.
Thanks for reading my rant of depression, and I hope you can find anything in here that may hint at why I am getting this stuff happening to me...
till next time everyone, for science.